Dear Diary...

So the past few weeks have been rough. My partner heads out today and I need the time to relax. I'm exhausted. It's been fun but very stressful. Trying to coordinate everyone who lives in a house so a lot

I have a meeting with my therapist this week so I can talk a lot of this stuff out. Main points are, figuring out the balance of helping without killing myself over something and reassurance that all of this is a good idea.

I think I want to try being a twitch streamer? Vtubing sounds so amazing. I've been SOOOOO obsessed!!! I love the idea of the anonymity of it! Something I'd love to give a shot for sure.

Today was.. ..eeeee..very stressful? Overwhelming? Exhausting? All of the above. I'm done.

It was a day that made me realize that I'm not over shit as much as I thought I would be by now and that's frustrating as hell. I'm still angry at them and uncomfortable for what they put me through. It still makes me question so many things about myself. I shouldn't feel that way when I see them.

It's been busy the past few days!! My partner came into town so we could spend their birthday together! I probably won't be able to update all of this until they leave because I haven't been on my laptop too much. I have their surprise for them and I'm so excited to see there reaction!! It's gonna be a great memory.

I guess we've been mostly hanging out around the house but it's felt chaotic lmao we did go to a comedy show to see a random comic. The tickets were free so it was a fun night out. My partner and I went to an arcade after and spent too much money on games and food lol. My favorite game it the coin pushers. I could spend sooooo long playing them. They are so addictive and usually fairly easy once you know what to look for.

It's all been fun, but I've been feeling mentally drained. I think it's my depression as I'm slipping out of those manic-like episodes. Having too much energy but not enough brain juice? Idk I never know how to explain it but it's frustrating. I feel like I need a vacation to do absolutely nothing but that's not possible right now. I'm just trying to take the time when I can to collect my thoughts and reset it so I can handle more. My short term memory is getting worse as I'm getting older. Like what I was talking about or what I was doing kind of things but still more frequent then I normally do. I know I spoke a bunch of weed but still Idk I feel like a real burn out sometimes. But other times I feel like I can't my thoughts straight.

My head has been hurting all day and it's only just started feeling better.

It's almost 2 am and I'm not even tired. I have too much energy for little I ate today. And by "little" I mean, I only had a large matcha latte and several large handfuls of mini chocolate chips earlier. I want to make something so I'm eating but food just sounds so unappealing. I'm also just not all that hungry honestly. Like I'm expecting hunger pains but never get them. So I think I'm going to throw in a frozen pizza for the third time this week and try to work on writing this diary entry up to hopefully get some of these thoughts out! I also packed a small bowl for myself. It's become a nice little ritual for me to smoke a bowl by myself and work on my stuff


My relationship with food has been rocky in the past so I always try to keep an eye on it. Some because of the sadly typical body dysmorphia that so many deal with. But it's also difficult because the house I live in currently is so hard to do simple things. I know I have no right to be complaining because I have a lot more than many others and I try not to take that for granted. I don't want to get into specific names and stuff so we will do PERSON A and so on. I know the basics of who's who and that's all that matters. Anyway, person A drives me bonkers because we are so different in how we do things. I struggle with OCD (specifically contamination/germaphobia) and the person A is not good at cleaning or seeing dirt or grim., I just want to feel "normal" being able to touch things without thinking they are going to kill me. Yucky.


I've also been working on quitting cigarettes. It's going...okay. I was down to just smoking halves for a while but I've been craving full ones more. It's like it caught up to me lol I feel like I'm done smoking but my brain isn't ready, but I guess that's why they say nicotine change your brain chemistry so I'm sure it'll never feel like I'm ready.

My hobbies lately have been working on programing. Continuing to learn more about making my own site on here. HTML has been coming super easy to me so far. CSS is a bit more of a struggle so I've been relying on premade layouts more then I would've liked. I've also been enjoying trying to relearn math/algebra. I feel like some of the thing's I'm going over again went over my head as a kid but not I can try to orginize my thought and notes more. Take it as slow or fast as I need. Otherwise, I've been itching to learn a language but
that's not how that works. I wish it did lol

I do get to see the partner tomorrow! I'm soooooo excited because it's their birthday and I have some exciting things planned for us. I wish I could do more but I'm looking forward to the small photoshoot at an apple orchard I set up for us and the gifts I was able to get them. Hopefully they have a good time!

Well I finished my pizza, finished my bowl and now I'll finish my very long post. It was good to kinda let go without having to worry about much. If you read the entire thing, good for you and feel free to follow for more life updates like this. If not, also cool!

Until next time!